A New Year

It is that time of year again! Somehow the months have passed in a blink of an eye and Christmas, too, has come and gone before I knew it. I was able to make a brief trip home to see family and (aside from being sick these past couple of weeks) had a good holiday. I hope that you and your family also had a very Merry Christmas! But, as I was saying...time has passed so quickly and it is already the end of the year. Time to reflect on this past year and celebrate the coming of a new one is upon us. As talk of yearly recaps and new resolutions begin to bounce around conversation, the subject naturally has begun to float in my head as well.

This year did not prove to turn out as I expected. This is nothing new in my life, but I had such an excitement for the journey I thought was before me. The year started out with the first steps in my foster care journey. I was fingerprinted, cleared a background check, and passed a home study. Then I moved on to my official foster parent training. I progressed through weeks of classes learning all about what it means to welcome one of these little ones into your home and life. I was more motivated than ever to continue to walk down this path. By April I was officially licensed by my state as a foster parent. But, during training I realized that to properly care for any child placed with me, I would need to have a little larger stock of vacation days at work. Due to surgeries and injury in the previous two years, I had very little time available. I prayed about it, talked to friends, and to my case worker. We decided that Respite would be a good option. I was told there was a great need for weekend respite for other foster parents, but in the months since I have received only one call. And, unfortunately I was unable to accept that placement.

About a month ago my case worker visited for her routine home check. We discussed the lack of calls for respite and I asked if there was anything I was doing wrong. Did I come across too picky? Did I miss something in my training or house preparations? Am I just an unfit parent? I had become quite discouraged and wanted to know if it was just me or something that I could change. She assured me that it wasn't me at all. She thought I would be a good foster parent, but that circumstances had just not come together for a fitting placement. Many of the children who needed respite were finding that with other foster parents they had connected with on their own. And, while there were a lot of disruptions occurring lately, long-term placements were required for them. I shared some of my personal thoughts on the future with her and we discussed how this affected my situation. She was very positive and encouraging on every point of our conversation. This made me very thankful and encouraged that I just might be headed in the right direction.

So, what direction is that? That direction is one that I did not expect to be seeing any time soon. It is something that I have prayed over, worried about, discussed, and thought about for many many months. I've had sleepless nights, moments of panic, excitement, and fear. I have questioned my sanity and my faith. But, after all of that, I keep coming up with the same answer. After almost eight years in my current location, it is time to move on. Despite having a good job with great people. Despite having a lovely home. Despite finally making the decision to foster/adopt and earn my license. Despite everything, it is time to move on. And so I will be moving back "home," near my family and some friends. My home is on the market and the job search has been in full gear for some time now. I have no idea when I will move. That decision will be made by either the selling of my home or the acquisition of a new job. There is a chance I would move prior to either of those two things occurring, but that is something that would take even more prayer, thought, and faith. Right now the plan is that when I sell my home or get a new job, I will provide my two weeks notice at work and move. As I mentioned, this is a very scary and unexpected turn in my life so I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers as I try to find a new job and buyers for my house.

A few of you know about this decision as I have confided in you over the past few months. And, one question I've heard and that I'm sure all of you are now asking is, "what about all of your foster care stuff?" To be clear, I have by no means felt any disconnection from my calling (if you want to call it that) to foster and/or adopt one day. I am disappointed that this year didn't turn out as I expected. But, my desire to foster and adopt is the prime reason that I have decided to move. It first began whispering in my head during training. Over the months, the voice became louder until I finally began to listen and consider what it had to say. Becoming a single parent by choice is a tough decision. And, I have no family or real working support system where I currently live. So, I would be doing it completely alone. Aside from that, I want to be able to provide my child with a real family. I want to be able to offer them real time with grandparents, an uncle, cousins, and friends. I want them to experience the feeling that there isn't just one person that cares for them, but a large crazy bunch of people. I want them to know that if I fall ill or have an emergency that they won't be shipped off or left alone - even for a few days. They will have family. They will have people to surround them to celebrate birthdays, accomplishments, and holidays. I want them to have all the blessings and more that I had growing up.

While my journey to fostering and adopting may be taking a detour, the journey is not over. Once back in my home state, I will need to get settled in a proper home (another huge prayer request) and will then be able to connect with an agency for re-licensing. Each state has their own licensing and training requirements. You are licensed only by and for your single state. So, yes, I will have to re-do this part of the process.  I have already become connected with a local social group of foster parents in my new state that has given me insight on what agencies might best work for me.  As I mentioned earlier, I discussed my future with my case worker. She assured me that she will do anything she can to help me get through that process as quickly as possible. She told me to provide my new agency with her information, so that they may contact her. Having that support was encouraging and made me think that this lady really cares about getting kids in safe homes, no matter where they live.

SO, this year may have passed without all of the adventures I expected. But, I guess you can say I went on a whole different kind of journey within myself. I learned some things about what I want, need, and can offer as a potential single foster parent. I grew in my knowledge of that world and the challenges that will come with it. I worked through excitement, fear, and discouragement along the way. And, I also believe that I grew in my faith and relationship with Christ. Moving forward without any of these would be impossible, so I guess that just mean I am now more prepared for the journey.

I want to offer a huge thank you to each and every one of you who have supported me this year. You have sent words of encouragement, volunteered your time, donated to my sale, and offered up your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate every one! I could not have made it this far without you. And please, do not feel that any of  your efforts are now in vain because I am moving. I have gained a world of knowledge and have acquired all of the items necessary for a child's bedroom - including a small collection of clothes, toys, books, and personal care products. Once settled and re-licensed, I will have what I need to continue on the journey. So, thank you!

I have waited quite some time to make this decision public, but realized that I need all the prayer and support I can get during this time. So, if you are willing to say yet another prayer for me and my journey there are a couple of specifics you can pray over. First, pray that I can find a new job soon. I have been looking for a while with little to no response. I think it is partly due to the fact that I still live in a different state. Second, pray that I can sell my house soon. The competition is great as there is a huge number of homes for sale within my city. But, I know that God can lead the right people at the right time to this place. Pray the house will sell soon and at a price that doesn't leave me in the hole. Third, that I will be able to find a new home perfect for me, my fur babies, and for my future child. Finally, that the entire process will be as peaceful and smooth as possible. There are certainly difficult times that could come during this transition so please pray that I will have the wisdom to know what to do when and trust God's hand throughout it all.

Thank you again for your support! I will do my best to keep you updated during this time of transition and look forward to sharing the joys of the new year with you all!

Update & Training

Hello, All! Seems like forever since I have posted. Life has been a bit crazy as of late, but unfortunately that craziness does not stem from an abundance of kiddos in and out of my home. In fact, I have yet to receive that call. It has been discouraging, but also helpful in some big decisions I was weighing. (I hope to be able to share some of that story with you in the not so distant future.)

So, after succumbing to the discouragement and confusion on what to do next I decided that now is a great opportunity to continue my training. As a foster parent you are required to continue your training and complete a certain number of hours to retain and relicense. So, I'm getting all of those hours out of the way.

First up and starting tomorrow, is a 15-hour course on Caring for Children that have Experience Trauma. It is an in-depth look at the subject we only had time to briefly cover in our original training. I'm excited about this course as I think it will be a huge help as I move forward. The subject matter is obviously tough, but I'm looking forward to learning some new tools and seeing things more from the perspective of a child in this really hard situation. This class will be all day (9:30-4:30) for the next two Saturdays and then only a half day on the third Saturday. I will be sure to post another update soon on what I'm learning in that class!

After that I have registered for the required course, Educational Advocacy. This course teaches you everything you need to know about identifying any education needs your child may have and helping them to connect with any resources that can assist them. Due to trauma, multiple changes in school, etc, most foster children fall behind in school. There are resources available, but they aren't always advertised or easily obtained. This class is supposed to teach you how to best support your child's educational journey. That will be a one day course in October.

Well, that is really all I have to update you on for now. Thank you for your continued support!

Have You Heard?

"Have you heard anything?"

"Did they call?"

"When are you getting a kid?"

No, no, and I don't know.

These are the questions I've been getting lately. They are perfectly legitimate questions and so I thought I'd just send out the answer to everyone!

Receiving a foster placements is a bit of a waiting game. The way in which kids and foster parents are matched up is a bit complicated and thus it falls on the luck of the draw in some instances. (I personally thing God has a bit to do with it as well.) Here is a brief description of how it was explained to me in training.

When a kid enters the foster care system, they all process through the local DCFS. This is the state-run agency responsible for all children in Foster Care. Once DCFS has a child, they have a limited amount of time to find them a home. So, they pick up the phone and start making calls. Calls go out to foster parents directly licensed by DCFS and to the private agency that is currently on-call. There are multiple private agencies in any given state/area, and they are on-call in a rotating manner. Once DCFS gets a hold of the on-call agency, that agency is given approximately 2 hours to find a placement for that child. If that agency is unable to do so, they call the next agency on the list and so on. I am licensed through a private agency and so for a child and I to be matched, it requires quite a bit of timing.

As you know, I'm currently only on the Respite Care list. I have thus far received one call, but had to say no due to the fact that it was a mid-day, mid-week placement. I had requested weekend only respite placements due to my situation at work. That sounds limiting, but they assured me that is usually the time in which respite is needed. So, asking for weekends only is not really as limiting as it sounds.

The past couple of weeks I have really been praying and seeking wisdom on what to do next. I have been licensed for almost 3 months and am trying to decide when it is time to switch from the respite list to the full-time placement list. Being on the full-time list doesn't necessarily guarantee a quicker placement though. One of my trainers waited 6 months before getting her first placement!

Anyway, I've spent time just sitting in the kiddo's room thinking and praying and have yet to get the answer to change anything at this time. I feel like I'm in a waiting period that isn't so clear. I haven't been getting respite placements, but also don't feel that I'm supposed to pursue a full-time placement yet. I'm not exactly sure what the plan is at this point. So, if you are a person of prayer, I would appreciate any and all prayers. Please pray that God would grant me wisdom, show me His plan, and reassure me that He is faithful to fulfill His plan in His perfect timing!



(This post was written just over a week ago, I just forgot to edit & post! Enjoy!)

A Personal Story

This post is a little different than past ones. This post is going to take you into a more personal part of my life that I have been going back and forth on sharing for quite some time. I've written it over many different days at the computer keys, so I apologize if any of it doesn't seem to blend right. I've tried to make it read as smoothly as possible.

It was February 2010, and I was visiting the doctor the I credit for changing my life. He was the first to offer me something other than just another drug to treat a condition which had caused me pain for 10 years. That would be surgery for issues specific to females. Following that surgery everything was going great. I had passed my 3-week and 3-month post-op check-ups. This visit was for my 6-month check & the visit went well. He then told me there were some things he wanted to go over before I left and then we would be done.He started talking about how, due to my history and what he has seen within my body, it may be required that we would do more tests or surgery in the future. Then, he changed my life again.

"...You will want to have children before you are 30..." What he said right before that I don't remember. I had just begun my 29th year and he was telling me this? He had my attention. He went on to tell me that with my history & condition he wanted me to know what I was really facing....children will probably not be an option for me. As I started to go into shock I went blank to everything else that was happening. I then heard him say, "Just don't go out and have sex with the first guy you meet on the street." He kind of laughed, trying to lighten the mood I assume. But, he followed it up by a comment of concern for my well-being. The visit was quickly over and I followed him out of the room. Even in the cloud I was in I clearly remember walking out of that room - he turned right towards his office and I turned left.

I started to walk slowly and dazed down the hall when my doctor came back out of his office and called me back. Apparently he had realized the impact this information was having on me. He told me that there are many advances in the medical world these days. He told me that when I am ready to try to have a child, he will help me  seek out any options that are available. I know he was trying to help, but it just went in one ear and out the other at the time. I was dazed, confused, and quite literally in shock.

That night when I was trying to go to sleep the shock wore off and every last one of his words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was single and there is no way I was going to get married and have a child before I was 30. That was almost exactly 9 months away.

The next two days I remained in that daze. I couldn't focus and was feeling depressed. It took some time to sort through all of the feelings though. The best way I could describe it is to say that I was mourning the loss of my ability to bear children. I also went through an intense battle with insecurity, something I struggle with anyway. I felt as if I was no longer a complete woman. I suddenly found myself at one of my lowest places. I felt useless. I felt incomplete. I felt like a complete failure.

Thankfully, I eventually found hope. As people try to point out, I still have my parts and the doctor didn't say 100% - just that I "probably won't be able to have kids." With God all things are possible. And, I was reminded by a friend of my desires to adopt, something I had wanted to do for many years prior to this news. I was reminded of all the children in the world that don't have families. This helped me come out of the shadows. However, it didn't immediately or completely heal the pain this loss caused my soul. It didn't keep the tears from flowing. And, as it happens in life, many of my friends soon came up pregnant. I tried to show my support, but for that time period it really only reminded of my loss. I knew I couldn't stop the world from giving birth and I couldn't squash or ignore the joy that my friends were experiencing when having their own. So, I felt it more appropriate to cheer them on as much as possible and try to keep my story to myself.

By November, and my 30th birthday, I was doing much better with my new reality. However, that night I remembered the words of the doctor and it sunk in all over again...I was 30...

I questioned many things about myself and my path in life during that year. I had always been great with kids, but I always gave them back...even when I didn't want to. My boy, Milton from Guatemala, gave me a look into what it might be like to love a child of my own. I never understood the love and consumption I felt for this child long after I left Guatemala. And I wasn't released of that until years later when I discovered he had been adopted by a great family. I have even had the amazing blessing to communicate with his adopted mom as well as him. But all of that to say, maybe I'm just supposed to give love to those who don't have it. 

Funny enough, I wrote that last paragraph almost 2 years ago to a friend...before I realized and committed to the journey of foster care. But, how much sense does that make to me now as I see it again....

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I first came to understand foster care before I reached Jr. high. I was introduced to the sad reality that kids were being abused and that it wasn't OK. I knew I wanted to change something about it. However, I was only in 5th grade, so I wasn't sure what that would be. Later, I came to understand the idea of adoption and that I, someday, wanted to provide a forever home a child that needed it. So, to be clear, my desire to enter into Foster Care or pursue adoption has absolutely nothing to do with the news I received in February of 2010. It was in my heart many, many years before that. 

It's been over three years that I've been holding this secret. Of course, I did share it with a few people just because I had to talk to someone. And, a couple more as I began to find healing. But, please do not feel offended or take it personally if you were unaware of this. I kept it secret for a reason, and asked those few who knew to keep it secret as well. I wasn't ready to share and hope that you all can respect that.

At this point in time, I am doing well with this. . I would be lying if I said I never think about it or never feel a twinge of pain in my heart or soul when I do. BUT, I also would be lying if I said it consumes me, has me depressed, or discourages me on a regular basis. I feel a more pure joy for those who have new life growing within them. I don't question myself and worth as a woman like I did at the beginning. God has brought much healing to my soul to help me find peace with it. The only times I do feel really awkward about it is when I get comments containing, "Oh, just wait until you are pregnant....til you give birth...til you have your first child..." And, I just kind of want to spew out this story. But, I don't. They don't know. However, it has played into why I have wanted to share my story. Fewer awkward moments and need for hiding. 

Sometimes releasing the secrets of our lives offers us a bit of freedom from them as well. I pray my story will be accepted with grace and respect.

2nd Chance Outcome

Thanks to all who donated items and gave their full and pure support for my fundraiser. It was nice to get a second chance at the sale, but things don't always go as we may have planned them. While we did have a lack of construction and rain, we did not raise quite as much as expected. However, a little is better than nothing!!!
So, thanks again to all of those who showed me your support, prayed, spread the word, stopped by, donated, etc. I really appreciate having good people behind me as I travel this road.

2nd Chance Sale!

As you all know, my recent benefit sale didn't quite go as planned. After the constant rain and complication of road construction, I still had a 2-garage full of donated items leftover. Luckily, two other family circles within my family have been wanting to have a garage sale and are willing to help hold a second, combined sale!

So, here is how it will work. It will be run as a typical multi-family sale. All of the leftovers from my first sale (minus a few items that were donated by these particular families) will still be credited to me when sold. All additional sale items will be marked & credited to the appropriate family when sold. So, there is still GREAT potential for me to raise all the necessary funds I was unable to raise the first time around.

We have clothes (from baby to adult), baby & small child items, jewelry, purses, a recliner, entertainment center, 2 desks, dining table, household items, books, and MUCH much more!!! Please come out or at least spread the word! Also, pray that it goes smoothly and lots of funds are raised! (PS - I will be unable to be there this time around, but hope lots of other people can!)

National Foster Care Awareness Month

Happy May! Also known as National Foster Care Awareness Month!

I'm a little behind, but I wanted to let you think on any questions you have had floating around in your head regarding Foster Care. I would love to address these this month and share what I know, or learn new things myself if I don't know the answer to your question. So, leave a comment, email me, or contact me on FB with any question you have about Foster Care, Adoption from Foster Care, Parental Rights in Foster Care, etc, etc. Or, maybe something specific about me and my journey with Foster Care. I've got a couple on FB already this month that I will share here in the near future as I collect more and more questions! So, send them in!!!

Sale Results

The sale results are in, and, there are some mixed reviews. I have been using the phrase, "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" to sum it all up. So, where do I begin? I think I'll start with the Ugly & the Bad so we can end on a good note!

Well, the sale opened Friday morning at 9am. Unfortunately, it was joined by rain and construction workers. The street was blocked off and there was a lovely cement truck parked out front most of the morning. The shot below was taken by my brother to show just a snippet of the joy that was happening before I arrived. I wish we would have taken more pics of the action. (Surprisingly, this was the ONLY pic we took all weekend.) At least in this pic it doesn't look like it was raining that much. However, it rained and rained and rained...ALL - DAY - LONG!

So, once the cement truck was gone, the street in front of the house was still blocked due to the other construction happening at the same location. And, they were there almost as long as we were.

I don't know how, but we surprisingly had a small handful of customers that were dedicated enough to follow detour signs and come find us. One guy just wanted some of our baked goods, but didn't want to get out in the pouring rain, so I delivered them to his window. Another issue due the rain was trying to find room for all of our sale items. We crammed as much as we could in the garage and ended up having to use a utility room, right off of the garage, to display everything. So, with all of that joy and excitement, by 5pm we were ready to close down! We were wet, cold, and ready to relax somewhere dry.

Saturday was supposed to be a mostly dry day, but when we arrived at 6:30am the rain was still there. We opened at 7am as planned and had a very slow morning. This time, though, the construction workers were gone and the road wasn't completely blocked off. So, we were at least happy for that. However, I was starting to get bummed out. All of my positive thoughts were beginning to drown in the constant rain and lack of shoppers. The rain was slowing but was off and on and we still couldn't get stuff out and make it more visible. It was around 11:30am when I posted to Facebook that I was praying for sunshine and shoppers and asked that all my friends join me in that prayer. You must have joined me in prayer and God was faithful because by 12 or 12:30 we had started to move stuff out of the basement and onto the drive. There weren't shoppers nor sunshine, but there also wasn't any more rain. Slowly and surely shoppers started to arrive, and at about 1:30 we had our first "rush" of the event. (I give some of that credit to my old friend, Krissy because once she arrived, so did everyone else! I think she should have shown up MUCH earlier!)

The rest of the day went relatively smoothly. We did have a customer parked on the street that had their side mirror knocked off by a speeding car coming down the road. Of course, they never even stopped. But other than that, it was nice to deal more with shoppers than with rain and construction workers. We even stayed open an extra two hours because they were finally coming and we didn't want to turn them down.

By 5pm we were closing and I went to count money. None of us were too optimistic as we really had only had a decent flow of customer for a few hours. And, you could barely tell that we sold anything. I mean, we still had an entire 2 car garage (+ what was on the drive) full of stuff. However, we were shocked to find that we made a total of $422.50!!! (I'm still not sure how that happened!) Considering everything we had to deal with, I was pretty impressed! I can't imagine how well we could have done had the weather and construction not been an issue. BUT, like I mentioned, I do still have a ton of stuff. So, the fun is not over! Some of my family had intended to do another sale of their own and so we are going to combine our efforts. It will be at the end of May and will run more like a traditional multi-family sale with each getting the earnings of what they contributed to the sale. So, any money raised from the items my friends and I donated will still be put towards my fundraiser. I will keep you posted on the dates and times of that sale, so keep an eye out for your chance to go shopping and help us out!

I want to end with a HUGE THANK YOU to each and every person that was involved in making the sale possible. I know many in my family contributed a lot of time, energy, and resources. And many many more of you donated items to sell. I am so grateful to all of you for your support and can't wait to see what happens in the next sale as a result of your generosity! (start praying NOW for good weather & no construction! ha ha!)

THANK YOU!!!

Feeling Official

I got my first call today!

It was a respite request for today, so, unfortunately I had to say no. However, I'm feeling a bit like an officially licensed Foster Parent now.

Let the journey begin.....

(PS - Sale update coming ASAP!)

Update

Hey Everyone! It has been a bit since I last posted, so I thought I would update on what has been going on. For starters, I'm still waiting for my first call to do respite care. Odds are, I'll get it next weekend, when I am planned to be out of town. If so, that will be a bit disappointing. But, no worries, they are sure to call again!

So, without any respite calls I have been busying myself with things around the house. Yard work, cleaning, and gearing up for my benefit sale next weekend! That's right, the sale is THIS coming weekend! And, thanks to the donations of friends and family, including many of you, this is hoping to be a great event! My family back there has been working hard to collect items and get everything ready. They have even decided to make it a 2 day sale instead of just one. So, please note the additional date and time on the image below! And, if you know anyone that might be interested in supporting us, spread the word! Also, feel free to copy and paste the image into an email & send it their way! We have lots of stuff to sell, including some yummy treats and hand-made craft items.

I will be there the 2nd half of Friday and all day Saturday, so be sure to stop by and say Hello!

Legal

Greetings All! I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, but I thought you all needed to hear today's latest news.

I'm Legally a Foster Parent!

Waiting for me when I arrived home today was my Foster Parenting License. So now it is officially official! I am legally a Foster Parent and am officially on THE call list. For now those calls will be specifically for respite care (per my request). After a couple of months I plan to open my home to a full-time placement.

With all that said, I can't believe I'm finally at the REAL starting line! My first post on this blog was almost a year ago, in May of 2012. The journey thus far has taken longer than anticipated, due to illness and other circumstances, but we made it! I am here, I am licensed, and I am a foster parent. Now the really interesting, difficult, and exciting stuff starts! Stay tuned!

Mail & Sale

Hey all! Today I got the official phone call about my license. My LW (licensing worker) called to inform me that all criteria has been met, all training completed, and that it has all processed in the system. She said that she would finish the process necessary to get it in the mail, but that I should have my license in hand in about 2 weeks! She said, after that, she will start calling about respite placements! So folks, my license is in the mail!

I also wanted to share with you about the Garage/Bake/Craft sale my family is hosting. We have locked down a location! It isn't where I originally had planned, but it will be a great location. Also, we NEED donations of sale items!!! Check your closets, garages, and sheds for anything you would be willing to part with or happened upon during Spring Cleaning! Whether you (or your friends/family) have one item or a whole carload of stuff, please contact me so that I can help arrange a pick-up or drop-off. Here is the info for the sale. Please note: Those times are approx & not set in stone yet. Spread the word & be sure to mark your calendars to come out and support us!

PRIDE: The End

27 hours in class, over five weeks, and my PRIDE Training is complete! 

The final session started off with a "panel." It was only two people, so it wasn't quite what I expected. One was a Placement Worker and talked a million miles per hour. When we asked questions, she did well answering, but she had her infant with her and seemed more interested in getting out of there. The other woman was from the health side of the team. She came more prepared, with folders full of info and paperwork for us. She didn't talk much, though. Both were beneficial, but I wish they had more prepared material and time to present it. After they left, we had some discussion and open question and answer with our trainers. 

So, how has all of this training affected my attitude, understanding, and feelings about foster care? Well, going in I was both excited and scared about becoming a foster parent. Coming out, I'm more scared and less excited. That sounds bad, but let me explain. I got the truth from people that have done it for years. I heard the horror stories and saw the children in the system brought to life. In almost every class our trainers would start to tell a story or explain something, stop, look at the other trainer, and while half laughing say, "we're going to scare them all away!" There was something in every session that could scare people away. So, while some of my fears changed (some increased & some decreased), my overall level of fear remained about the same. And, I am still excited about being a positive part of a child's life, if only momentarily. I just don't know if "excited" is the right word for how I feel about the experience as a whole. How can you be excited about children being abused & neglected? How can you be excited about that child being taken from their family, friends, school, pets, favorite teddy bear, & special blankey to go live with strangers in a strange place? How can you be excited about red tape and adults who sometimes forget that the best interests of the children are the priority? How can you be excited about a child who strives to fit in and be good, but is so hurt emotionally and developmentally behind that they just can't keep up? How can you be excited about hurting children who can't trust and won't let you love them (because they don't even know what that should look like)? How can you be excited about children you can't tell, "Don't worry, you are safe here." because they  have no understanding of what "safe" is? I may be more scared, but I am also more motivated. This is going to be the most important, difficult, and rewarding job I will ever do. I'm eager to try to make a difference in the lives of these children and pray for the wisdom to know how to do that.

This brings me to another conversation I remember. Many foster parents go in like me. They want to help the  children and know its going to be hard, but as our trainers said,

"If someone has never been a foster parent themselves, then they have NO idea what you are going through. They canNOT understand what you are dealing with as a foster parent."

The problem that arises is that, because your friends and family can't fully understand, foster parents are sometimes left without the support they really need. Apparently they are often faced with the, "Well, you knew what you were getting into" and a lack of sympathy for your feelings. First off, as our trainers said, we really don't know what we are getting into. We understand it the best we can without actually doing it. And, we do know that it is going to be hard, emotional, stressful, and heartbreaking at times. But, that doesn't mean that we, I, won't need support in that moment. Luckily, I have great family and friends and don't expect that those closest to me would react in this way, but I just thought I'd share anyway. I thought I would ask in advance that when that time comes, and it will, when I am weary, stressed, and heartbroken over a child, that you will support me for where I am in that moment. I will need your grace, your prayers, and maybe your shoulder (or ear) to cry on. But, I also hope to be able to celebrate with you over the good times and rewarding moments. 

Moving on, I can't believe I have made it this far in the journey. It was almost a year ago that I finalized my decision to start down this path. I begin sharing my journey, fundraising, and gathering as much information as possible. I read books, listened to podcasts, and sought out contacts online. Its crazy to think it has been so long! In approximately three weeks I will have my license in hand and be open to start taking respite placements. 

My mind is kind of all over the place tonight, so I'm going to stop here. I just had one other thing I wanted to share before I go though. 

I have realized the need to do one more fundraiser. I've done two others (a basket raffle in KS and a garage sale here), but those funds have been exhausted. They were used to help prepare the house and went to things such as Carbon Monoxide detectors, Smoke detectors, fixed a damaged wall, new lighting fixture, dresser, outlet covers, curtains, blinds, socks, etc, etc. The funds I hope to raise will cover the start-up costs when a child is placed. The first check from the state won't arrive until a month or two after placement. The kids usually come with little to nothing, especially if it is their first time in the system. I will need to buy all appropriate clothing, school supplies, shoes, and anything else that child needs. Also, childcare during that month or two will have to come out of my pocket. The only thing that won't come out of pocket initially is anything medical. I will receive their medical card at time of placement. SO....time for another fundraiser! 

My family in KS has graciously offered to host a garage/bake/craft sale for me. We are aiming for Saturday, April 27th. The location is still pending, but Plan A is in my hometown, which you all know. (Can you tell I've got privacy on my mind? Maybe I'll write about that next time.)

So, Kansas people, please mark that day on your calendars and try to come out and support me! Also, we need sale donations! The more we have to sell, the more we can raise. Please check your closets, garages, and sheds for anything you would be willing to donate to our sale. (Or, if you have a crafty hand & want to make something to sell- that is welcomed too!) I know we all have stuff that we want to get out of our house and just don't know what to do with. Well, you can kill two birds with one stone: spring cleaning and helping a a good cause! Even if it is just one item, we will take it! Please leave a comment, email me, or message me on Facebook if you would like to donate and I will help to arrange the details to make that happen. Thanks!

PRIDE: Part 4

Another week and another six hours of training is in the books. This means there is only 3 hours left before I will have completed my required Foster Parent Training! It’s a bit crazy how quickly these 5 weeks have come and go. Well, 4 weeks…one week to gone. Anyway, as you all know from my previous posts, I’ve been learning a lot. And, as you can imagine, I’m learning & hearing much more than I share here. All of the book reading, personal stories of our trainers, videos, etc that we discuss in class have brought up a lot of different thoughts and emotions. I will try to explain a bit of that with this week’s update on Saturday’s class and where I am in the process currently.

Let’s start with this week’s class. This past Saturday was a bit different than the previous classes in that we had A LOT more discussion and personal stories of the trainers. Essentially what happened is we would start to cover something in the material and it would spark a question in someone. That was then answered by the trainers, sometimes with a personal story from their experience, and then that would spark another question and then another. 30 minutes later we would make our way back to the actual material and our trainer would say, well, we basically already covered this section by all of your questions and conversation!  Despite all that talking we did cover a lot of information. The first session was about what we, as Foster Parents, can do in helping the child transition either back to their biological family or to an adoptive one. It outlined our role in helping them to achieve permanency in the most positive way possible.

The second session was about ‘Planning for Change.’ We discussed how our lives would change once a foster child was brought into the picture. (I already miss my weekend naps!) More importantly, though, we discussed how to make an informed decision when asked to take a placement (child). Taking a placement is a big deal. The hope is that a child can stay in one placement as long as possible during their time in the system. This prevents them from having to move from home to home, and all that goes along with that. We reviewed all of the different questions we might want to ask when we receive “The Call.” Things such as information about the child’s physical & emotional health, any developmental or behavioral issues, placement history, permanency plan, and things about their daily life, including likes/dislikes, etc. If the child has been in the system for a while, they will be able to answer all of your questions. If the child is new in the system, they probably don't know anything about them. The problem that arises in these situation is that you generally have to give an answer right then & there on the phone. You see, each agency only has 2 hours to place that child. If you can't answer right away, they have to call the next person on the list so that they can meet their deadline for finding that child a home. They assured us that we should never feel bad or guilty for saying no or asking too many questions. There will, unfortunately, always be another call.

So, with only one class left you may be wondering what comes next. Well, here is a tentative schedule:

• March 9^th – PRIDE 9 (last training class)
• Once training is complete, they will enter that information into the computer system.
• My Licensing Worker (LW) will then receive confirmation that all requirements are complete.
• My LW will call to schedule a final walk-through of the home.
• If walk-through is approved, I will receive my license in the mail within 2 weeks.
• Once licensed, I will officially enter the system and be able to receive placements.

So close! I can't believe it is almost that time!

There is something else I wanted to share. After some thought, prayer, and discussion with my LW, I have decided to postpone any "real" placements for a month or two after licensing. This may be confusing for some of you, but I have some "time" issues that need to slightly improve before being able to take a full-time placement. Does this mean I will be licensed for no reason during this time? Absolutely not. There is a great need for Respite Care and I am going to serve in that capacity. Respite Care is child care provided by your agency for when Foster Parents just need a break, so they don't burn-out. It is generally a Saturday morning to Sunday evening thing. I have discussed this need with my LW and she seemed very positive about the idea of me doing only weekend respite care for the first month or two. There is a need for it, and if I'm willing, then that is great. This can, obviously, change at any time, but is the plan we are moving forward with right now. (I did mention to her that if a "perfect match" came about I would be willing to alter this plan.) Respite Care can be difficult as the kids don't know you, your house, or your rules and are only staying 2 days. Please pray that this time will be beneficial for me in getting my feet wet with how everything really works before taking a full-time placement of my own.

Well, I think that is it for this week. Licensing is only a couple of weeks away and I couldn't have made it this far without all of your prayers and support! Thanks!

PRIDE: Part 3

Hello All! This past wkend's classes seemed to pass by quickly. I guess, after 3 weeks, I'm getting used to spending Saturdays in class. Not that I want to do it forever!

In the first session we discussed how each family/home has its own way of doing things. Each has it's own rules, traditions, goofy habits, favorite foods, sayings, inside jokes, etc. Our instructor explained it as each home/family having its own culture. I was able to connect with this idea pretty well. As most of you know, I have done my share of traveling. More than once have I had experienced culture shock. Encountering a new place, with new people, where everything is unfamiliar can be scary. I depended a lot on the many lessons I had learned over the years, others who were there to guide me, and, well, God. I can't imagine doing that as a young child when you already have every reason not to trust anyone. Most kids will come in without the developmental tools to mentally or emotionally handle the situation. Those there to guide them (the foster parents) are just more adults, which they've learned are unpredictable, scary, and sometimes (or most times) abusive. Then, these strange new people may place a balanced healthy meal (lets say with chicken & veggies), and the kids freak out. They've never seen such things before. Our instructor told of us of a child who had lived only on chips, ice cream, and hot-dogs (which they had to get for themselves).  Our typical food may seem as foreign to them as those unidentifiable dishes I encountered overseas. OK, getting back to what I wanted to say...Kids aren't only faced with an entirely new culture, they have no other option than to do their best to assimilate and fit into it. No matter how much they try to assimilate they may never feel that they really belong. They lose their own culture, own story & identity. Part of that is that they also sometimes lose photos or other mementos of their previous world. Its really just not fair what the world has come to put them through!

We also discussed the value of strengthening family relationships. This is in terms of keeping a positive, ongoing relationship with their birth family (parents, siblings, etc) as the primary goal IS reunification. Things such as open communication, sharing photos, school activity invitations (if allowed by court), medical updates, being supportive and positive of family visits and the birth parents in front of the children.We learned more about how to handle family visits and tips for making the event go as smoothly as possible.

Our second session was about discipline. The rules for foster parents are very tight. There is absolutely no physical punishment, but there are many other rules as well. There were even rules about how much of their (state provided) allowance can be taken (and how it can be taken) as a consequence. It was interesting and I think it is going to be difficult for some of these parents who have already raised their kids on their own terms.

This week I also made some notes about random things I've been thinking about the past couple of weeks. 

• In our first class we learned that there was a system to protect animals long before there was a system to protect children. Both are important, but it is sad that it took so long to see the need to protect our own children. (and that there was a need)
• There might be an advantage in fostering as a first-time parent. Parents in the class who have already raised their children, or are still raising their children may have a big struggle. Our instructors told us, "Everything you have ever done with your own children, throw it out the window. It more than likely isn't going to work. You have to start fresh." We all have to learn this new fostering stuff, but I don't have to change and replace the way I already know to do things with my own kids. I think it might be easier to start fresh when I don't have to unlearn everything.
• There is a "Negative Nelly" in my class. She doesn't do it out loud, just under her breath, to me, and to her husband. She is good practice in giving grace and being patient. Praying that I don't let her distract me anymore!
• I will be having a discussion with my licensing worker soon about some personal situations. Pray that we both will be granted the wisdom to see all possibilities and make the right decision for my and my journey.

PRIDE: Part 2

Another Saturday and another 6 hours of training! This week I was feeling a little better and thus able to take in more as well as interact more with the class. A lot of discussion happens in class, tossing out answers, etc. Last week I wasn’t able to participate, but this week I had at least most of my voice back. (I wish I could tell you I was fully healthy, but that is still not the case. Praying this stuff goes away soon!)

Anyway, Saturday’s sessions were about child development & developmental delays as well as Loss, Grief, and how we, as humans, react to such things. They did an activity in which we did a living diagram of someone’s (one of the instructors) life. People in the class stood to represent her spouse, children, parent, siblings, friends, job, hobbies, etc. We were placed at a distance from her that was relative to our value in her life. I represented one of her children and stood quite close, whereas the person representing her hobbies stood quite a bit further away. We then listened to a story of how, through different circumstances, each one of these things was removed from her life. Loss of job, injury, children leaving to start their own life, death of  her mother, etc etc. Some piggy-backed one another. For example, she broke her leg and was no longer able to participate in her favorite hobbies anymore. Whatever the reason, in the end she was left all alone. Some were expected losses and some were unexpected.

This is what happens to kids in Foster Care. But they don’t just lose one of those things…they lose EVERYTHING, unexpectedly, and all at once. Some kids taken into care wake up, get ready, and head off to school not knowing that they won’t return home that night…or ever again. They are picked up from school by a Social Worker and taken into care.They lose their parents, siblings, extended family, pets, school, friends, home, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, or toys. They are then taken to stranger’s home where they don’t know anyone or anything about the place. And, after all of that, the world seems to think that they should be grateful, happy, and OK. We discussed that, as adults, if someone picked us up from work, wouldn’t let us return home, and sent us to live with strangers – we wouldn’t handle that too well. We would be confused, angry, sad, etc...just as those kids are. As adults, we have developed more intellectual, emotional, and physical capabilities to deal with loss. Kids, especially those who have been neglected or abused, have not developed the tools to understand and deal with such a vast amount of loss all at one time. And, despite the fact that they are in an unsafe environment, it is all they know. Most kids aren't maltreated 24/7 and do have positive moments with their parents. These are the moments they hold onto - partially as a survival method. So, no matter how bad it is, most kids still love their parents, miss their parents, and want to be with them at least to some degree. It's what they know. They know where they are, who they are with, and what is going to happen - even if it is bad. The outside world - these strange people, in a strange house, with strange ways of doing things is foreign and scary. They would rather stick with what they know. This isn't true in all cases, but in many this is the sad fact. And, when you take that child away from everything they know, the sheer amount of loss can send them down a path of grief that can be displayed in a variety of ways.

As we discussed everything a child loses when they go into the system it was kind of eye-opening and broke my heart. We know we are doing what is in the best interest of the child by removing them from a dangerous situation. At the same time we "know" they are losing a lot in the process. But, taking time to really see everything they are losing, how heart-broken or angry they might be when they arrive, is just so sad. Being able to see this is also of great benefit. Understanding where they came from and what losses they have endured will help us, as Foster Parents, to see through some of the surface behaviors and not take them personally. It will still be rough dealing with certain behaviors, but knowing where they are coming from and why they are acting that way must help at least a little bit. We can look for certain behaviors, certain reactions, and hopefully be able to discover the root and help them develop the tools necessary to work through some of what they are dealing with in that very difficult time.

I realize this is getting a bit long, so I'll wrap it up. We talked a lot about child development and how maltreatment and neglect can affect their physical, intellectual, emotional, & social development. This all tied, later, to how they respond to the losses endured over their short little lives and how they grieve & react when they enter our homes. I have to say this was a very worthwhile day of training for me personally. I'm not only more aware of different ways in which a child might react upon entering my home, but why they might act that way, and what I might be able to do to help them.

PRIDE

Well, I did it. Somehow, I survived my first day of Foster Care training! Surviving the training itself wasn’t the real accomplishment, but surviving being upright and conscious for any period of time was. You see, I was sick since last Tuesday. Tuesday wasn’t so bad, but Wed and Thur  I was in bed with a fever of up to 101. (The doctor said I had Bronchitis, but I disagree. Well, I think I have Bronchitis AND something else. I have had Bronchitis many times and never have had a fever or the other lovely symptoms I have had this time around.) And, as often as I am sick, I never have a fever. So, there is definitely something else going on here. To say the least, I was miserable. Thursday night my fever finally broke so, already having been on antibiotics for a couple of days, I made an effort to go to work on Friday. I only lasted ½ hour before returning home to my bed. And there I stayed until Saturday morning.

Class would be from 9:30-4:30 and this particular day of classes can’t easily be made up. The other sessions can, but they are particular about Sessions 1 & 2. So, off I went with my ‘sick bag’ packed with everything I thought I needed…meds, tissues, water, cough drops, etc etc. I arrived early enough to choose the spot closest to the door for a quick escape, which thankfully I only had to use once. But, we made sure that no one sat right next to me. I shouldn’t have been contagious, but I sounded and looked horrible. Luckily, I only had to introduce myself when the class began, and help present a couple of lines from a group discussion at the close of the day.

So, the class…the real point of this post. The training is called PRIDE (Parent's Resource for Information, Development, & Education) and consists of 27 hours of training, broken up into 9 different sessions. As you know, I have chosen the Saturday schedule of classes. This means that I will do two sessions each Saturday for four weeks, and then one session on the fifth week. The Saturday classes are being held at a church, as opposed to the agency facility for the weeknight classes. This, I guess, was kind of nice. I mean, I’ve been in a church millions of times so I think it came off as a little less intimidating to me personally. On Saturday, there were 21 other people in my class. Four of us were single women, the rest were couples. Being as sick as I was, I didn’t really have the opportunity to mix and mingle with the others in the class. I kept my distance and during lunch, I slept in my car. I’m hoping that this next week I will be able to talk a bit more with others.

Sessions 1 and 2 were basic foundation for the course. We discussed the large team involved in foster care and what it means to be a part of that team. We talked about why children come into care, the primary competencies we need to have as foster parents, and the goal of that child’s time with us. We watched a video and then a couple of video clips and discussed the key themes from our lessons which were displayed. Much more was discussed, but I'm going to have to reference my notes to remember everything. Not a problem though. I have homework to do! So, returning to my notes and class book will happen very, very soon.

I'm still sick (though doing better) so I apologize that this post is a bit all over the place. Hopefully next week I will be able to give you a clearer picture of class, what I'm learning, and how I am feeling about it all.

Home Study

I apologize for not getting this update out sooner. I started to write it, but just never finished it.

OK, so, first of all I'd like to thank all of you for your prayers and well-wishes for my Home Study this past Saturday. From what I could gather, it appeared to have gone alright. Here is what happened on Saturday...

  

My licensing agent arrived and Freckles barked! The End!

 

 

Ha! This woman was nice, but she loves dogs. (Freckles tends to only quickly become friends with those who don't.) I immediately informed her, as I do all of my guests, that if she just ignored him all would be well. I knew I was going to have an issue when she responded by trying to convince Freckles that she loves dogs, that she is a nice person, etc. After a few minutes she did back off, but, since she started off on the wrong foot with him, he was huffy & barky most of the time we were talking. I was even fully accessible to him this time- with her in the corner. He just wouldn't come near her. I also gave him a bone after a while - which only slightly helped. He finally settled down about 30-45 min after she arrived. I was bummed, but she kept saying it was OK.

  

So anyway, the meeting was much shorter than anticipated. I had done research on Home Studies & found a variety of questions that are often asked as I wanted to be able to think them through a bit before having to provide an official answer. I ended up being over-prepared. However, I'm sure it was of benefit to think through all of the other questions as well.

Here is just some of what we discussed:

- Were you raised in a two-parent home & are they still living?

- What type of relationship do you have with your family?

- How did your parents discipline you?
- Did your parents provide for all of your emotional & physical needs?
- Did you ever have any interaction with DCFS a growing up?
- How would you describe your personality?
- Why do you want to foster/adopt?
- Where did you go to college & what did you study?
- Where do you work & what is your job title?
- What, if any, religious affiliation do you have? What is your level of involvement (regular attender/other activities)?

We also discussed information about the age range, sex, and other information about the children I would be interested in fostering. She shared more information with me about fostering, the process, different meetings, procedures,  and other tips.

After we discussed everything, she did another walk-through of the home and then headed out. I felt that it went well and that she seemed happy with the answers I provided. At least, she didn't point out any issues during the conversation or walk-through. And, I'm guessing that at this stage, if she noticed an issue, she would be telling me about it.

The biggest thing that makes me feel a bit more confident in the idea of me passing all the steps to the process and receiving my license lies in a brief conversation partway through my Licensing Worker's visit.

Towards the end of the interview, it went like this:

LW: "Well, as soon as we finish here, I will take this back, put it in the computer, and then you should recieve your license in about two weeks."

Me: (slightly dumfounded) "Before I finish my training?"

LW: "You haven't finished training yet?! I thought you already finished..."

Me: "No, I haven't even begun training. I start next week."

LW: "Oh yeah! I remember now. Your clearances were finished, maybe that's what I was thinking."

Considering I haven't even started training and she is already trying to give me my license...I'll take that as a good sign. Also, as she was leaving my home, she mentioned how, after training, then the license would be issued. I'm not sure if she was referring to me specifically or the standard process (once all the steps are complete and your clearances have passed then you recieve your license). But, as I said, I think it went well, I haven't been told of anything I need to work on or change, and the things in which we were discussing about the kids makes me feel that I will, in fact, be receiving my license once I have completed training.
So, that's it for now. The Home Study went well and training starts next Saturday! Training will make for a long week, running from 9:30am-4:30pm, but I'm thankful for the Saturday option! That will happen for the next few weeks and then, it appears, the real adventure will begin!

I'm Cleared!

It seems life has gone crazy lately...and I haven't even begun fostering yet! It all started about a week and a half ago. Since most of you already know the craziness that has been unfolding, I will not retell it all here.
I just want to thank all those who have been praying and ask for your continued prayers in those situations.

What I want to share, though, is this: in the midst of all that craziness I received a call from my new licensing worker. She informed me that my clearances (background check, etc) have passed and she was ready to schedule my Home Study! She spoke at a rate of a million miles per minute, but she seemed nice. By the end our phone call we had scheduled my Home Study for this Saturday, the 2nd.

I'm still not a 100% sure what to expect from this part of the process, but I pray that me, my home, and my pets all pass the test. I've lost all good time to prepare my house as I went home to be with family a week ago, was sick this entire past weekend, and well...now it is only a couple of days away. I would be panicking, but I just don't have the time or energy to do so. I'm going to have to clean what I can clean and leave the rest up to God!

I will be sure to update you after my Home Study on Saturday to let you know how it went. Until then, here are three directions where you can send your good thoughts and prayers:

1. Home Study: Although I don't really have time to panic, I'm still nervous. This is a huge part of the process of me becoming licensed. Pray that my licensing worker comes with a good dose of grace and that I can just be myself - not trying too hard to say or do the right thing. If this is indeed the path I'm supposed to be on, I trust God will take care of the details and it will all end up alright.
2. Child Care: I've mentioned the after-school program I'm hoping to use, but am still looking for other options for various situations. I've just begun researching individual child care providers a little over a week ago and seem to be lost in the process. Just not sure how to really find the best fit. Praying that I will receive some personal recommendation from those I know in the area and that I find the right person/people in time!
3. Me: Just that I can stay healthy, focused, and passionate.

Thanks!

A New Year's Update

Hello! Did everyone survive the holidays? Hope so! I started to type this blog last week, saying it was my first full week back to work, etc. Then, I got a kidney stone! Actually, I'm calling it a kidney "pebble." I've had a kidney stone before and this felt nothing like death at the end of the world! So, I'm still trying to catch up on life from the holidays, overtime at work, and being a bit ill. Sorry it has taken so long, I know many of you have been asking how things are going. Here is what has been happening.

The holidays were great, but fast this year. I wished you all a Merry Christmas before, so now I guess its time for a, albeit belated, Happy New Year! And what a NEW year it will be! New obviously being the key word here. It seems that everything will become new this year. A whole new life and way of doing things. Lots of firsts, changes, challenges, and hopefully joys as well. Come the end of March and I should be licensed to receive Foster Care placements. I’ll have a new routine, with new people, new responsibilities, new struggles, new fears, new joys, new fun, and new ways of doing just about everything.

I've had many people ask me, “So, are you excited, or nervous, or what?” My answer was “Yes!” I’m all of the above! I’m excited and scared to death at the same time. I know it will be hard. And not just the parenting part. There are so many rules and regulations to follow and someone always there looking over your shoulder to make sure you aren't screwing it up. On one hand that is scary and makes me uncomfortable in that I can't just parent and make the decisions that I feel are best. On the other hand, it might be good to have those guides and helps in my first attempt at parenting. I don't know. Hopefully it will be as painless as possible. But, back to the question. Yes, I am excited! Yes, I am nervous! Pretty much every emotion you can think of has come at some point. I just have to keep focused on why I'm doing this and trust that God will work out the details.

Another question I've gotten is, "So, where are you in the process?" Well, I'm in a waiting period right now. My application packet has been turned it, my initial meeting survived, fingerprints taken, and background check begun. Now, I sit and wait for training to begin. Had I done the mid-week training schedule, I would already be in training. I chose, however, to do the Saturday schedule and that will begin on February 9th. So, right now there isn't much for me to do...except pray. I've been doing a lot of that. I feel like God may be tiring of my "to-do" list, but I'm really going to need him to make this all workout.

So, that leads to the final topic - how you can pray. Here are things on my mind lately that might help you if you are praying for me.

1. Child Care! This is huge. Being a single-parent I'm going to need a lot of help! I've talked to a friend who has experience with the after-school program I was considering & says it is a great one. However, there are still a lot of other instances I will need child care. Please pray that I can find the right people to help fill this need.
2. Changes in Licensing Worker. I'm not sure the reasons why or what it means for me, but I have been assigned a new Licensing Worker. Please pray that she is kind, full of grace, and will be a great support to me during this part of the process.
3. "My" Child. I was considering a few days back how many people adopting wait for their child to be born. Me, I'm waiting for a child who already exists. And that child, if not in the system yet (or even if they are), may be in a really bad situation. It breaks my heart to imagine what they may be dealing with right now. I pray strength, hope, escape, and healing for them.
4. Me. Yeah, I've had a lot of up and down emotions lately about this and I just need to really get refocused and on-top of everything. The down time has had me mentally slacking off a bit on what still needs to be done before I get busy again with training, licensing, etc.
5. Home Study. This is to take place after my background check is complete, probably before I finish training. Its an in-depth interview and will make a big impact on how things move forward. Pray that I am able to just be me and that that is enough.

Ok, I think that is enough of an update for now. If you have any questions you are always welcomed to email me or message me on Facebook!