A Personal Story

This post is a little different than past ones. This post is going to take you into a more personal part of my life that I have been going back and forth on sharing for quite some time. I've written it over many different days at the computer keys, so I apologize if any of it doesn't seem to blend right. I've tried to make it read as smoothly as possible.

It was February 2010, and I was visiting the doctor the I credit for changing my life. He was the first to offer me something other than just another drug to treat a condition which had caused me pain for 10 years. That would be surgery for issues specific to females. Following that surgery everything was going great. I had passed my 3-week and 3-month post-op check-ups. This visit was for my 6-month check & the visit went well. He then told me there were some things he wanted to go over before I left and then we would be done.He started talking about how, due to my history and what he has seen within my body, it may be required that we would do more tests or surgery in the future. Then, he changed my life again.

"...You will want to have children before you are 30..." What he said right before that I don't remember. I had just begun my 29th year and he was telling me this? He had my attention. He went on to tell me that with my history & condition he wanted me to know what I was really facing....children will probably not be an option for me. As I started to go into shock I went blank to everything else that was happening. I then heard him say, "Just don't go out and have sex with the first guy you meet on the street." He kind of laughed, trying to lighten the mood I assume. But, he followed it up by a comment of concern for my well-being. The visit was quickly over and I followed him out of the room. Even in the cloud I was in I clearly remember walking out of that room - he turned right towards his office and I turned left.

I started to walk slowly and dazed down the hall when my doctor came back out of his office and called me back. Apparently he had realized the impact this information was having on me. He told me that there are many advances in the medical world these days. He told me that when I am ready to try to have a child, he will help me  seek out any options that are available. I know he was trying to help, but it just went in one ear and out the other at the time. I was dazed, confused, and quite literally in shock.

That night when I was trying to go to sleep the shock wore off and every last one of his words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was single and there is no way I was going to get married and have a child before I was 30. That was almost exactly 9 months away.

The next two days I remained in that daze. I couldn't focus and was feeling depressed. It took some time to sort through all of the feelings though. The best way I could describe it is to say that I was mourning the loss of my ability to bear children. I also went through an intense battle with insecurity, something I struggle with anyway. I felt as if I was no longer a complete woman. I suddenly found myself at one of my lowest places. I felt useless. I felt incomplete. I felt like a complete failure.

Thankfully, I eventually found hope. As people try to point out, I still have my parts and the doctor didn't say 100% - just that I "probably won't be able to have kids." With God all things are possible. And, I was reminded by a friend of my desires to adopt, something I had wanted to do for many years prior to this news. I was reminded of all the children in the world that don't have families. This helped me come out of the shadows. However, it didn't immediately or completely heal the pain this loss caused my soul. It didn't keep the tears from flowing. And, as it happens in life, many of my friends soon came up pregnant. I tried to show my support, but for that time period it really only reminded of my loss. I knew I couldn't stop the world from giving birth and I couldn't squash or ignore the joy that my friends were experiencing when having their own. So, I felt it more appropriate to cheer them on as much as possible and try to keep my story to myself.

By November, and my 30th birthday, I was doing much better with my new reality. However, that night I remembered the words of the doctor and it sunk in all over again...I was 30...

I questioned many things about myself and my path in life during that year. I had always been great with kids, but I always gave them back...even when I didn't want to. My boy, Milton from Guatemala, gave me a look into what it might be like to love a child of my own. I never understood the love and consumption I felt for this child long after I left Guatemala. And I wasn't released of that until years later when I discovered he had been adopted by a great family. I have even had the amazing blessing to communicate with his adopted mom as well as him. But all of that to say, maybe I'm just supposed to give love to those who don't have it. 

Funny enough, I wrote that last paragraph almost 2 years ago to a friend...before I realized and committed to the journey of foster care. But, how much sense does that make to me now as I see it again....

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I first came to understand foster care before I reached Jr. high. I was introduced to the sad reality that kids were being abused and that it wasn't OK. I knew I wanted to change something about it. However, I was only in 5th grade, so I wasn't sure what that would be. Later, I came to understand the idea of adoption and that I, someday, wanted to provide a forever home a child that needed it. So, to be clear, my desire to enter into Foster Care or pursue adoption has absolutely nothing to do with the news I received in February of 2010. It was in my heart many, many years before that. 

It's been over three years that I've been holding this secret. Of course, I did share it with a few people just because I had to talk to someone. And, a couple more as I began to find healing. But, please do not feel offended or take it personally if you were unaware of this. I kept it secret for a reason, and asked those few who knew to keep it secret as well. I wasn't ready to share and hope that you all can respect that.

At this point in time, I am doing well with this. . I would be lying if I said I never think about it or never feel a twinge of pain in my heart or soul when I do. BUT, I also would be lying if I said it consumes me, has me depressed, or discourages me on a regular basis. I feel a more pure joy for those who have new life growing within them. I don't question myself and worth as a woman like I did at the beginning. God has brought much healing to my soul to help me find peace with it. The only times I do feel really awkward about it is when I get comments containing, "Oh, just wait until you are pregnant....til you give birth...til you have your first child..." And, I just kind of want to spew out this story. But, I don't. They don't know. However, it has played into why I have wanted to share my story. Fewer awkward moments and need for hiding. 

Sometimes releasing the secrets of our lives offers us a bit of freedom from them as well. I pray my story will be accepted with grace and respect.