PRIDE: Part 2

Another Saturday and another 6 hours of training! This week I was feeling a little better and thus able to take in more as well as interact more with the class. A lot of discussion happens in class, tossing out answers, etc. Last week I wasn’t able to participate, but this week I had at least most of my voice back. (I wish I could tell you I was fully healthy, but that is still not the case. Praying this stuff goes away soon!)

Anyway, Saturday’s sessions were about child development & developmental delays as well as Loss, Grief, and how we, as humans, react to such things. They did an activity in which we did a living diagram of someone’s (one of the instructors) life. People in the class stood to represent her spouse, children, parent, siblings, friends, job, hobbies, etc. We were placed at a distance from her that was relative to our value in her life. I represented one of her children and stood quite close, whereas the person representing her hobbies stood quite a bit further away. We then listened to a story of how, through different circumstances, each one of these things was removed from her life. Loss of job, injury, children leaving to start their own life, death of  her mother, etc etc. Some piggy-backed one another. For example, she broke her leg and was no longer able to participate in her favorite hobbies anymore. Whatever the reason, in the end she was left all alone. Some were expected losses and some were unexpected.

This is what happens to kids in Foster Care. But they don’t just lose one of those things…they lose EVERYTHING, unexpectedly, and all at once. Some kids taken into care wake up, get ready, and head off to school not knowing that they won’t return home that night…or ever again. They are picked up from school by a Social Worker and taken into care.They lose their parents, siblings, extended family, pets, school, friends, home, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, or toys. They are then taken to stranger’s home where they don’t know anyone or anything about the place. And, after all of that, the world seems to think that they should be grateful, happy, and OK. We discussed that, as adults, if someone picked us up from work, wouldn’t let us return home, and sent us to live with strangers – we wouldn’t handle that too well. We would be confused, angry, sad, etc...just as those kids are. As adults, we have developed more intellectual, emotional, and physical capabilities to deal with loss. Kids, especially those who have been neglected or abused, have not developed the tools to understand and deal with such a vast amount of loss all at one time. And, despite the fact that they are in an unsafe environment, it is all they know. Most kids aren't maltreated 24/7 and do have positive moments with their parents. These are the moments they hold onto - partially as a survival method. So, no matter how bad it is, most kids still love their parents, miss their parents, and want to be with them at least to some degree. It's what they know. They know where they are, who they are with, and what is going to happen - even if it is bad. The outside world - these strange people, in a strange house, with strange ways of doing things is foreign and scary. They would rather stick with what they know. This isn't true in all cases, but in many this is the sad fact. And, when you take that child away from everything they know, the sheer amount of loss can send them down a path of grief that can be displayed in a variety of ways.

As we discussed everything a child loses when they go into the system it was kind of eye-opening and broke my heart. We know we are doing what is in the best interest of the child by removing them from a dangerous situation. At the same time we "know" they are losing a lot in the process. But, taking time to really see everything they are losing, how heart-broken or angry they might be when they arrive, is just so sad. Being able to see this is also of great benefit. Understanding where they came from and what losses they have endured will help us, as Foster Parents, to see through some of the surface behaviors and not take them personally. It will still be rough dealing with certain behaviors, but knowing where they are coming from and why they are acting that way must help at least a little bit. We can look for certain behaviors, certain reactions, and hopefully be able to discover the root and help them develop the tools necessary to work through some of what they are dealing with in that very difficult time.

I realize this is getting a bit long, so I'll wrap it up. We talked a lot about child development and how maltreatment and neglect can affect their physical, intellectual, emotional, & social development. This all tied, later, to how they respond to the losses endured over their short little lives and how they grieve & react when they enter our homes. I have to say this was a very worthwhile day of training for me personally. I'm not only more aware of different ways in which a child might react upon entering my home, but why they might act that way, and what I might be able to do to help them.