PRIDE: Part 3

Hello All! This past wkend's classes seemed to pass by quickly. I guess, after 3 weeks, I'm getting used to spending Saturdays in class. Not that I want to do it forever!

In the first session we discussed how each family/home has its own way of doing things. Each has it's own rules, traditions, goofy habits, favorite foods, sayings, inside jokes, etc. Our instructor explained it as each home/family having its own culture. I was able to connect with this idea pretty well. As most of you know, I have done my share of traveling. More than once have I had experienced culture shock. Encountering a new place, with new people, where everything is unfamiliar can be scary. I depended a lot on the many lessons I had learned over the years, others who were there to guide me, and, well, God. I can't imagine doing that as a young child when you already have every reason not to trust anyone. Most kids will come in without the developmental tools to mentally or emotionally handle the situation. Those there to guide them (the foster parents) are just more adults, which they've learned are unpredictable, scary, and sometimes (or most times) abusive. Then, these strange new people may place a balanced healthy meal (lets say with chicken & veggies), and the kids freak out. They've never seen such things before. Our instructor told of us of a child who had lived only on chips, ice cream, and hot-dogs (which they had to get for themselves).  Our typical food may seem as foreign to them as those unidentifiable dishes I encountered overseas. OK, getting back to what I wanted to say...Kids aren't only faced with an entirely new culture, they have no other option than to do their best to assimilate and fit into it. No matter how much they try to assimilate they may never feel that they really belong. They lose their own culture, own story & identity. Part of that is that they also sometimes lose photos or other mementos of their previous world. Its really just not fair what the world has come to put them through!

We also discussed the value of strengthening family relationships. This is in terms of keeping a positive, ongoing relationship with their birth family (parents, siblings, etc) as the primary goal IS reunification. Things such as open communication, sharing photos, school activity invitations (if allowed by court), medical updates, being supportive and positive of family visits and the birth parents in front of the children.We learned more about how to handle family visits and tips for making the event go as smoothly as possible.

Our second session was about discipline. The rules for foster parents are very tight. There is absolutely no physical punishment, but there are many other rules as well. There were even rules about how much of their (state provided) allowance can be taken (and how it can be taken) as a consequence. It was interesting and I think it is going to be difficult for some of these parents who have already raised their kids on their own terms.

This week I also made some notes about random things I've been thinking about the past couple of weeks. 

• In our first class we learned that there was a system to protect animals long before there was a system to protect children. Both are important, but it is sad that it took so long to see the need to protect our own children. (and that there was a need)
• There might be an advantage in fostering as a first-time parent. Parents in the class who have already raised their children, or are still raising their children may have a big struggle. Our instructors told us, "Everything you have ever done with your own children, throw it out the window. It more than likely isn't going to work. You have to start fresh." We all have to learn this new fostering stuff, but I don't have to change and replace the way I already know to do things with my own kids. I think it might be easier to start fresh when I don't have to unlearn everything.
• There is a "Negative Nelly" in my class. She doesn't do it out loud, just under her breath, to me, and to her husband. She is good practice in giving grace and being patient. Praying that I don't let her distract me anymore!
• I will be having a discussion with my licensing worker soon about some personal situations. Pray that we both will be granted the wisdom to see all possibilities and make the right decision for my and my journey.

PRIDE: Part 2

Another Saturday and another 6 hours of training! This week I was feeling a little better and thus able to take in more as well as interact more with the class. A lot of discussion happens in class, tossing out answers, etc. Last week I wasn’t able to participate, but this week I had at least most of my voice back. (I wish I could tell you I was fully healthy, but that is still not the case. Praying this stuff goes away soon!)

Anyway, Saturday’s sessions were about child development & developmental delays as well as Loss, Grief, and how we, as humans, react to such things. They did an activity in which we did a living diagram of someone’s (one of the instructors) life. People in the class stood to represent her spouse, children, parent, siblings, friends, job, hobbies, etc. We were placed at a distance from her that was relative to our value in her life. I represented one of her children and stood quite close, whereas the person representing her hobbies stood quite a bit further away. We then listened to a story of how, through different circumstances, each one of these things was removed from her life. Loss of job, injury, children leaving to start their own life, death of  her mother, etc etc. Some piggy-backed one another. For example, she broke her leg and was no longer able to participate in her favorite hobbies anymore. Whatever the reason, in the end she was left all alone. Some were expected losses and some were unexpected.

This is what happens to kids in Foster Care. But they don’t just lose one of those things…they lose EVERYTHING, unexpectedly, and all at once. Some kids taken into care wake up, get ready, and head off to school not knowing that they won’t return home that night…or ever again. They are picked up from school by a Social Worker and taken into care.They lose their parents, siblings, extended family, pets, school, friends, home, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, or toys. They are then taken to stranger’s home where they don’t know anyone or anything about the place. And, after all of that, the world seems to think that they should be grateful, happy, and OK. We discussed that, as adults, if someone picked us up from work, wouldn’t let us return home, and sent us to live with strangers – we wouldn’t handle that too well. We would be confused, angry, sad, etc...just as those kids are. As adults, we have developed more intellectual, emotional, and physical capabilities to deal with loss. Kids, especially those who have been neglected or abused, have not developed the tools to understand and deal with such a vast amount of loss all at one time. And, despite the fact that they are in an unsafe environment, it is all they know. Most kids aren't maltreated 24/7 and do have positive moments with their parents. These are the moments they hold onto - partially as a survival method. So, no matter how bad it is, most kids still love their parents, miss their parents, and want to be with them at least to some degree. It's what they know. They know where they are, who they are with, and what is going to happen - even if it is bad. The outside world - these strange people, in a strange house, with strange ways of doing things is foreign and scary. They would rather stick with what they know. This isn't true in all cases, but in many this is the sad fact. And, when you take that child away from everything they know, the sheer amount of loss can send them down a path of grief that can be displayed in a variety of ways.

As we discussed everything a child loses when they go into the system it was kind of eye-opening and broke my heart. We know we are doing what is in the best interest of the child by removing them from a dangerous situation. At the same time we "know" they are losing a lot in the process. But, taking time to really see everything they are losing, how heart-broken or angry they might be when they arrive, is just so sad. Being able to see this is also of great benefit. Understanding where they came from and what losses they have endured will help us, as Foster Parents, to see through some of the surface behaviors and not take them personally. It will still be rough dealing with certain behaviors, but knowing where they are coming from and why they are acting that way must help at least a little bit. We can look for certain behaviors, certain reactions, and hopefully be able to discover the root and help them develop the tools necessary to work through some of what they are dealing with in that very difficult time.

I realize this is getting a bit long, so I'll wrap it up. We talked a lot about child development and how maltreatment and neglect can affect their physical, intellectual, emotional, & social development. This all tied, later, to how they respond to the losses endured over their short little lives and how they grieve & react when they enter our homes. I have to say this was a very worthwhile day of training for me personally. I'm not only more aware of different ways in which a child might react upon entering my home, but why they might act that way, and what I might be able to do to help them.

PRIDE

Well, I did it. Somehow, I survived my first day of Foster Care training! Surviving the training itself wasn’t the real accomplishment, but surviving being upright and conscious for any period of time was. You see, I was sick since last Tuesday. Tuesday wasn’t so bad, but Wed and Thur  I was in bed with a fever of up to 101. (The doctor said I had Bronchitis, but I disagree. Well, I think I have Bronchitis AND something else. I have had Bronchitis many times and never have had a fever or the other lovely symptoms I have had this time around.) And, as often as I am sick, I never have a fever. So, there is definitely something else going on here. To say the least, I was miserable. Thursday night my fever finally broke so, already having been on antibiotics for a couple of days, I made an effort to go to work on Friday. I only lasted ½ hour before returning home to my bed. And there I stayed until Saturday morning.

Class would be from 9:30-4:30 and this particular day of classes can’t easily be made up. The other sessions can, but they are particular about Sessions 1 & 2. So, off I went with my ‘sick bag’ packed with everything I thought I needed…meds, tissues, water, cough drops, etc etc. I arrived early enough to choose the spot closest to the door for a quick escape, which thankfully I only had to use once. But, we made sure that no one sat right next to me. I shouldn’t have been contagious, but I sounded and looked horrible. Luckily, I only had to introduce myself when the class began, and help present a couple of lines from a group discussion at the close of the day.

So, the class…the real point of this post. The training is called PRIDE (Parent's Resource for Information, Development, & Education) and consists of 27 hours of training, broken up into 9 different sessions. As you know, I have chosen the Saturday schedule of classes. This means that I will do two sessions each Saturday for four weeks, and then one session on the fifth week. The Saturday classes are being held at a church, as opposed to the agency facility for the weeknight classes. This, I guess, was kind of nice. I mean, I’ve been in a church millions of times so I think it came off as a little less intimidating to me personally. On Saturday, there were 21 other people in my class. Four of us were single women, the rest were couples. Being as sick as I was, I didn’t really have the opportunity to mix and mingle with the others in the class. I kept my distance and during lunch, I slept in my car. I’m hoping that this next week I will be able to talk a bit more with others.

Sessions 1 and 2 were basic foundation for the course. We discussed the large team involved in foster care and what it means to be a part of that team. We talked about why children come into care, the primary competencies we need to have as foster parents, and the goal of that child’s time with us. We watched a video and then a couple of video clips and discussed the key themes from our lessons which were displayed. Much more was discussed, but I'm going to have to reference my notes to remember everything. Not a problem though. I have homework to do! So, returning to my notes and class book will happen very, very soon.

I'm still sick (though doing better) so I apologize that this post is a bit all over the place. Hopefully next week I will be able to give you a clearer picture of class, what I'm learning, and how I am feeling about it all.

Home Study

I apologize for not getting this update out sooner. I started to write it, but just never finished it.

OK, so, first of all I'd like to thank all of you for your prayers and well-wishes for my Home Study this past Saturday. From what I could gather, it appeared to have gone alright. Here is what happened on Saturday...

  

My licensing agent arrived and Freckles barked! The End!

 

 

Ha! This woman was nice, but she loves dogs. (Freckles tends to only quickly become friends with those who don't.) I immediately informed her, as I do all of my guests, that if she just ignored him all would be well. I knew I was going to have an issue when she responded by trying to convince Freckles that she loves dogs, that she is a nice person, etc. After a few minutes she did back off, but, since she started off on the wrong foot with him, he was huffy & barky most of the time we were talking. I was even fully accessible to him this time- with her in the corner. He just wouldn't come near her. I also gave him a bone after a while - which only slightly helped. He finally settled down about 30-45 min after she arrived. I was bummed, but she kept saying it was OK.

  

So anyway, the meeting was much shorter than anticipated. I had done research on Home Studies & found a variety of questions that are often asked as I wanted to be able to think them through a bit before having to provide an official answer. I ended up being over-prepared. However, I'm sure it was of benefit to think through all of the other questions as well.

Here is just some of what we discussed:

- Were you raised in a two-parent home & are they still living?

- What type of relationship do you have with your family?

- How did your parents discipline you?
- Did your parents provide for all of your emotional & physical needs?
- Did you ever have any interaction with DCFS a growing up?
- How would you describe your personality?
- Why do you want to foster/adopt?
- Where did you go to college & what did you study?
- Where do you work & what is your job title?
- What, if any, religious affiliation do you have? What is your level of involvement (regular attender/other activities)?

We also discussed information about the age range, sex, and other information about the children I would be interested in fostering. She shared more information with me about fostering, the process, different meetings, procedures,  and other tips.

After we discussed everything, she did another walk-through of the home and then headed out. I felt that it went well and that she seemed happy with the answers I provided. At least, she didn't point out any issues during the conversation or walk-through. And, I'm guessing that at this stage, if she noticed an issue, she would be telling me about it.

The biggest thing that makes me feel a bit more confident in the idea of me passing all the steps to the process and receiving my license lies in a brief conversation partway through my Licensing Worker's visit.

Towards the end of the interview, it went like this:

LW: "Well, as soon as we finish here, I will take this back, put it in the computer, and then you should recieve your license in about two weeks."

Me: (slightly dumfounded) "Before I finish my training?"

LW: "You haven't finished training yet?! I thought you already finished..."

Me: "No, I haven't even begun training. I start next week."

LW: "Oh yeah! I remember now. Your clearances were finished, maybe that's what I was thinking."

Considering I haven't even started training and she is already trying to give me my license...I'll take that as a good sign. Also, as she was leaving my home, she mentioned how, after training, then the license would be issued. I'm not sure if she was referring to me specifically or the standard process (once all the steps are complete and your clearances have passed then you recieve your license). But, as I said, I think it went well, I haven't been told of anything I need to work on or change, and the things in which we were discussing about the kids makes me feel that I will, in fact, be receiving my license once I have completed training.
So, that's it for now. The Home Study went well and training starts next Saturday! Training will make for a long week, running from 9:30am-4:30pm, but I'm thankful for the Saturday option! That will happen for the next few weeks and then, it appears, the real adventure will begin!