In October, as I've written about previously, I came to the conclusion that my time here is through. I will be moving back to my home state to be closer to family, friends, and the support needed to foster and/or adopt as a single parent. The house went up for sale and the job search intensified. However, I remained on the call list for respite. I was losing hope I would get a call, but still was dreaming the dream. Six months later, I'm still here. The house is still for sale, the job hunt continues, and my life remains to be on hold.
Last week I had my second routine home visit by my case worker. It was in thinking about her coming that I made another decision. I haven't received a placement in a full year. I am trying to move to another state. Letting go of this dream for a moment will allow me to not hope and worry about a possible last-minute placement in the midst of everything else. It's difficult to let this go. I almost feel a little guilty. But, at the same time, I feel that my child isn't here. My place isn't here. So, after discussing with my case workers, I have been placed "On Hold" with the agency as well. This is an official status. I will still be licensed, still allowed/encouraged to complete educational training, and still be subject to routine home visits. I will not, however, be called for any respite or full-time placements. If, for some reason, I do end up staying and want to reopen my home I will simply call them and let them know. I will be back on the list in no time.
Letting go is hard. This transition is hard. The waiting is hard. Life on hold is hard. But, there is still this glimmer of hope for what my future will look like once I make it through this part of the journey. So, please pray with me. Pray that my home sells soon, that just the right job/career will come along, and that the transition will go smoothly. I know God has a plan and I'm trying my best to be patient and trust him. I can't wait to share the miracles He will perform!
