Legal

Greetings All! I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, but I thought you all needed to hear today's latest news.

I'm Legally a Foster Parent!

Waiting for me when I arrived home today was my Foster Parenting License. So now it is officially official! I am legally a Foster Parent and am officially on THE call list. For now those calls will be specifically for respite care (per my request). After a couple of months I plan to open my home to a full-time placement.

With all that said, I can't believe I'm finally at the REAL starting line! My first post on this blog was almost a year ago, in May of 2012. The journey thus far has taken longer than anticipated, due to illness and other circumstances, but we made it! I am here, I am licensed, and I am a foster parent. Now the really interesting, difficult, and exciting stuff starts! Stay tuned!

Mail & Sale

Hey all! Today I got the official phone call about my license. My LW (licensing worker) called to inform me that all criteria has been met, all training completed, and that it has all processed in the system. She said that she would finish the process necessary to get it in the mail, but that I should have my license in hand in about 2 weeks! She said, after that, she will start calling about respite placements! So folks, my license is in the mail!

I also wanted to share with you about the Garage/Bake/Craft sale my family is hosting. We have locked down a location! It isn't where I originally had planned, but it will be a great location. Also, we NEED donations of sale items!!! Check your closets, garages, and sheds for anything you would be willing to part with or happened upon during Spring Cleaning! Whether you (or your friends/family) have one item or a whole carload of stuff, please contact me so that I can help arrange a pick-up or drop-off. Here is the info for the sale. Please note: Those times are approx & not set in stone yet. Spread the word & be sure to mark your calendars to come out and support us!

PRIDE: The End

27 hours in class, over five weeks, and my PRIDE Training is complete! 

The final session started off with a "panel." It was only two people, so it wasn't quite what I expected. One was a Placement Worker and talked a million miles per hour. When we asked questions, she did well answering, but she had her infant with her and seemed more interested in getting out of there. The other woman was from the health side of the team. She came more prepared, with folders full of info and paperwork for us. She didn't talk much, though. Both were beneficial, but I wish they had more prepared material and time to present it. After they left, we had some discussion and open question and answer with our trainers. 

So, how has all of this training affected my attitude, understanding, and feelings about foster care? Well, going in I was both excited and scared about becoming a foster parent. Coming out, I'm more scared and less excited. That sounds bad, but let me explain. I got the truth from people that have done it for years. I heard the horror stories and saw the children in the system brought to life. In almost every class our trainers would start to tell a story or explain something, stop, look at the other trainer, and while half laughing say, "we're going to scare them all away!" There was something in every session that could scare people away. So, while some of my fears changed (some increased & some decreased), my overall level of fear remained about the same. And, I am still excited about being a positive part of a child's life, if only momentarily. I just don't know if "excited" is the right word for how I feel about the experience as a whole. How can you be excited about children being abused & neglected? How can you be excited about that child being taken from their family, friends, school, pets, favorite teddy bear, & special blankey to go live with strangers in a strange place? How can you be excited about red tape and adults who sometimes forget that the best interests of the children are the priority? How can you be excited about a child who strives to fit in and be good, but is so hurt emotionally and developmentally behind that they just can't keep up? How can you be excited about hurting children who can't trust and won't let you love them (because they don't even know what that should look like)? How can you be excited about children you can't tell, "Don't worry, you are safe here." because they  have no understanding of what "safe" is? I may be more scared, but I am also more motivated. This is going to be the most important, difficult, and rewarding job I will ever do. I'm eager to try to make a difference in the lives of these children and pray for the wisdom to know how to do that.

This brings me to another conversation I remember. Many foster parents go in like me. They want to help the  children and know its going to be hard, but as our trainers said,

"If someone has never been a foster parent themselves, then they have NO idea what you are going through. They canNOT understand what you are dealing with as a foster parent."

The problem that arises is that, because your friends and family can't fully understand, foster parents are sometimes left without the support they really need. Apparently they are often faced with the, "Well, you knew what you were getting into" and a lack of sympathy for your feelings. First off, as our trainers said, we really don't know what we are getting into. We understand it the best we can without actually doing it. And, we do know that it is going to be hard, emotional, stressful, and heartbreaking at times. But, that doesn't mean that we, I, won't need support in that moment. Luckily, I have great family and friends and don't expect that those closest to me would react in this way, but I just thought I'd share anyway. I thought I would ask in advance that when that time comes, and it will, when I am weary, stressed, and heartbroken over a child, that you will support me for where I am in that moment. I will need your grace, your prayers, and maybe your shoulder (or ear) to cry on. But, I also hope to be able to celebrate with you over the good times and rewarding moments. 

Moving on, I can't believe I have made it this far in the journey. It was almost a year ago that I finalized my decision to start down this path. I begin sharing my journey, fundraising, and gathering as much information as possible. I read books, listened to podcasts, and sought out contacts online. Its crazy to think it has been so long! In approximately three weeks I will have my license in hand and be open to start taking respite placements. 

My mind is kind of all over the place tonight, so I'm going to stop here. I just had one other thing I wanted to share before I go though. 

I have realized the need to do one more fundraiser. I've done two others (a basket raffle in KS and a garage sale here), but those funds have been exhausted. They were used to help prepare the house and went to things such as Carbon Monoxide detectors, Smoke detectors, fixed a damaged wall, new lighting fixture, dresser, outlet covers, curtains, blinds, socks, etc, etc. The funds I hope to raise will cover the start-up costs when a child is placed. The first check from the state won't arrive until a month or two after placement. The kids usually come with little to nothing, especially if it is their first time in the system. I will need to buy all appropriate clothing, school supplies, shoes, and anything else that child needs. Also, childcare during that month or two will have to come out of my pocket. The only thing that won't come out of pocket initially is anything medical. I will receive their medical card at time of placement. SO....time for another fundraiser! 

My family in KS has graciously offered to host a garage/bake/craft sale for me. We are aiming for Saturday, April 27th. The location is still pending, but Plan A is in my hometown, which you all know. (Can you tell I've got privacy on my mind? Maybe I'll write about that next time.)

So, Kansas people, please mark that day on your calendars and try to come out and support me! Also, we need sale donations! The more we have to sell, the more we can raise. Please check your closets, garages, and sheds for anything you would be willing to donate to our sale. (Or, if you have a crafty hand & want to make something to sell- that is welcomed too!) I know we all have stuff that we want to get out of our house and just don't know what to do with. Well, you can kill two birds with one stone: spring cleaning and helping a a good cause! Even if it is just one item, we will take it! Please leave a comment, email me, or message me on Facebook if you would like to donate and I will help to arrange the details to make that happen. Thanks!

PRIDE: Part 4

Another week and another six hours of training is in the books. This means there is only 3 hours left before I will have completed my required Foster Parent Training! It’s a bit crazy how quickly these 5 weeks have come and go. Well, 4 weeks…one week to gone. Anyway, as you all know from my previous posts, I’ve been learning a lot. And, as you can imagine, I’m learning & hearing much more than I share here. All of the book reading, personal stories of our trainers, videos, etc that we discuss in class have brought up a lot of different thoughts and emotions. I will try to explain a bit of that with this week’s update on Saturday’s class and where I am in the process currently.

Let’s start with this week’s class. This past Saturday was a bit different than the previous classes in that we had A LOT more discussion and personal stories of the trainers. Essentially what happened is we would start to cover something in the material and it would spark a question in someone. That was then answered by the trainers, sometimes with a personal story from their experience, and then that would spark another question and then another. 30 minutes later we would make our way back to the actual material and our trainer would say, well, we basically already covered this section by all of your questions and conversation!  Despite all that talking we did cover a lot of information. The first session was about what we, as Foster Parents, can do in helping the child transition either back to their biological family or to an adoptive one. It outlined our role in helping them to achieve permanency in the most positive way possible.

The second session was about ‘Planning for Change.’ We discussed how our lives would change once a foster child was brought into the picture. (I already miss my weekend naps!) More importantly, though, we discussed how to make an informed decision when asked to take a placement (child). Taking a placement is a big deal. The hope is that a child can stay in one placement as long as possible during their time in the system. This prevents them from having to move from home to home, and all that goes along with that. We reviewed all of the different questions we might want to ask when we receive “The Call.” Things such as information about the child’s physical & emotional health, any developmental or behavioral issues, placement history, permanency plan, and things about their daily life, including likes/dislikes, etc. If the child has been in the system for a while, they will be able to answer all of your questions. If the child is new in the system, they probably don't know anything about them. The problem that arises in these situation is that you generally have to give an answer right then & there on the phone. You see, each agency only has 2 hours to place that child. If you can't answer right away, they have to call the next person on the list so that they can meet their deadline for finding that child a home. They assured us that we should never feel bad or guilty for saying no or asking too many questions. There will, unfortunately, always be another call.

So, with only one class left you may be wondering what comes next. Well, here is a tentative schedule:

• March 9^th – PRIDE 9 (last training class)
• Once training is complete, they will enter that information into the computer system.
• My Licensing Worker (LW) will then receive confirmation that all requirements are complete.
• My LW will call to schedule a final walk-through of the home.
• If walk-through is approved, I will receive my license in the mail within 2 weeks.
• Once licensed, I will officially enter the system and be able to receive placements.

So close! I can't believe it is almost that time!

There is something else I wanted to share. After some thought, prayer, and discussion with my LW, I have decided to postpone any "real" placements for a month or two after licensing. This may be confusing for some of you, but I have some "time" issues that need to slightly improve before being able to take a full-time placement. Does this mean I will be licensed for no reason during this time? Absolutely not. There is a great need for Respite Care and I am going to serve in that capacity. Respite Care is child care provided by your agency for when Foster Parents just need a break, so they don't burn-out. It is generally a Saturday morning to Sunday evening thing. I have discussed this need with my LW and she seemed very positive about the idea of me doing only weekend respite care for the first month or two. There is a need for it, and if I'm willing, then that is great. This can, obviously, change at any time, but is the plan we are moving forward with right now. (I did mention to her that if a "perfect match" came about I would be willing to alter this plan.) Respite Care can be difficult as the kids don't know you, your house, or your rules and are only staying 2 days. Please pray that this time will be beneficial for me in getting my feet wet with how everything really works before taking a full-time placement of my own.

Well, I think that is it for this week. Licensing is only a couple of weeks away and I couldn't have made it this far without all of your prayers and support! Thanks!

PRIDE: Part 3

Hello All! This past wkend's classes seemed to pass by quickly. I guess, after 3 weeks, I'm getting used to spending Saturdays in class. Not that I want to do it forever!

In the first session we discussed how each family/home has its own way of doing things. Each has it's own rules, traditions, goofy habits, favorite foods, sayings, inside jokes, etc. Our instructor explained it as each home/family having its own culture. I was able to connect with this idea pretty well. As most of you know, I have done my share of traveling. More than once have I had experienced culture shock. Encountering a new place, with new people, where everything is unfamiliar can be scary. I depended a lot on the many lessons I had learned over the years, others who were there to guide me, and, well, God. I can't imagine doing that as a young child when you already have every reason not to trust anyone. Most kids will come in without the developmental tools to mentally or emotionally handle the situation. Those there to guide them (the foster parents) are just more adults, which they've learned are unpredictable, scary, and sometimes (or most times) abusive. Then, these strange new people may place a balanced healthy meal (lets say with chicken & veggies), and the kids freak out. They've never seen such things before. Our instructor told of us of a child who had lived only on chips, ice cream, and hot-dogs (which they had to get for themselves).  Our typical food may seem as foreign to them as those unidentifiable dishes I encountered overseas. OK, getting back to what I wanted to say...Kids aren't only faced with an entirely new culture, they have no other option than to do their best to assimilate and fit into it. No matter how much they try to assimilate they may never feel that they really belong. They lose their own culture, own story & identity. Part of that is that they also sometimes lose photos or other mementos of their previous world. Its really just not fair what the world has come to put them through!

We also discussed the value of strengthening family relationships. This is in terms of keeping a positive, ongoing relationship with their birth family (parents, siblings, etc) as the primary goal IS reunification. Things such as open communication, sharing photos, school activity invitations (if allowed by court), medical updates, being supportive and positive of family visits and the birth parents in front of the children.We learned more about how to handle family visits and tips for making the event go as smoothly as possible.

Our second session was about discipline. The rules for foster parents are very tight. There is absolutely no physical punishment, but there are many other rules as well. There were even rules about how much of their (state provided) allowance can be taken (and how it can be taken) as a consequence. It was interesting and I think it is going to be difficult for some of these parents who have already raised their kids on their own terms.

This week I also made some notes about random things I've been thinking about the past couple of weeks. 

• In our first class we learned that there was a system to protect animals long before there was a system to protect children. Both are important, but it is sad that it took so long to see the need to protect our own children. (and that there was a need)
• There might be an advantage in fostering as a first-time parent. Parents in the class who have already raised their children, or are still raising their children may have a big struggle. Our instructors told us, "Everything you have ever done with your own children, throw it out the window. It more than likely isn't going to work. You have to start fresh." We all have to learn this new fostering stuff, but I don't have to change and replace the way I already know to do things with my own kids. I think it might be easier to start fresh when I don't have to unlearn everything.
• There is a "Negative Nelly" in my class. She doesn't do it out loud, just under her breath, to me, and to her husband. She is good practice in giving grace and being patient. Praying that I don't let her distract me anymore!
• I will be having a discussion with my licensing worker soon about some personal situations. Pray that we both will be granted the wisdom to see all possibilities and make the right decision for my and my journey.

PRIDE: Part 2

Another Saturday and another 6 hours of training! This week I was feeling a little better and thus able to take in more as well as interact more with the class. A lot of discussion happens in class, tossing out answers, etc. Last week I wasn’t able to participate, but this week I had at least most of my voice back. (I wish I could tell you I was fully healthy, but that is still not the case. Praying this stuff goes away soon!)

Anyway, Saturday’s sessions were about child development & developmental delays as well as Loss, Grief, and how we, as humans, react to such things. They did an activity in which we did a living diagram of someone’s (one of the instructors) life. People in the class stood to represent her spouse, children, parent, siblings, friends, job, hobbies, etc. We were placed at a distance from her that was relative to our value in her life. I represented one of her children and stood quite close, whereas the person representing her hobbies stood quite a bit further away. We then listened to a story of how, through different circumstances, each one of these things was removed from her life. Loss of job, injury, children leaving to start their own life, death of  her mother, etc etc. Some piggy-backed one another. For example, she broke her leg and was no longer able to participate in her favorite hobbies anymore. Whatever the reason, in the end she was left all alone. Some were expected losses and some were unexpected.

This is what happens to kids in Foster Care. But they don’t just lose one of those things…they lose EVERYTHING, unexpectedly, and all at once. Some kids taken into care wake up, get ready, and head off to school not knowing that they won’t return home that night…or ever again. They are picked up from school by a Social Worker and taken into care.They lose their parents, siblings, extended family, pets, school, friends, home, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, or toys. They are then taken to stranger’s home where they don’t know anyone or anything about the place. And, after all of that, the world seems to think that they should be grateful, happy, and OK. We discussed that, as adults, if someone picked us up from work, wouldn’t let us return home, and sent us to live with strangers – we wouldn’t handle that too well. We would be confused, angry, sad, etc...just as those kids are. As adults, we have developed more intellectual, emotional, and physical capabilities to deal with loss. Kids, especially those who have been neglected or abused, have not developed the tools to understand and deal with such a vast amount of loss all at one time. And, despite the fact that they are in an unsafe environment, it is all they know. Most kids aren't maltreated 24/7 and do have positive moments with their parents. These are the moments they hold onto - partially as a survival method. So, no matter how bad it is, most kids still love their parents, miss their parents, and want to be with them at least to some degree. It's what they know. They know where they are, who they are with, and what is going to happen - even if it is bad. The outside world - these strange people, in a strange house, with strange ways of doing things is foreign and scary. They would rather stick with what they know. This isn't true in all cases, but in many this is the sad fact. And, when you take that child away from everything they know, the sheer amount of loss can send them down a path of grief that can be displayed in a variety of ways.

As we discussed everything a child loses when they go into the system it was kind of eye-opening and broke my heart. We know we are doing what is in the best interest of the child by removing them from a dangerous situation. At the same time we "know" they are losing a lot in the process. But, taking time to really see everything they are losing, how heart-broken or angry they might be when they arrive, is just so sad. Being able to see this is also of great benefit. Understanding where they came from and what losses they have endured will help us, as Foster Parents, to see through some of the surface behaviors and not take them personally. It will still be rough dealing with certain behaviors, but knowing where they are coming from and why they are acting that way must help at least a little bit. We can look for certain behaviors, certain reactions, and hopefully be able to discover the root and help them develop the tools necessary to work through some of what they are dealing with in that very difficult time.

I realize this is getting a bit long, so I'll wrap it up. We talked a lot about child development and how maltreatment and neglect can affect their physical, intellectual, emotional, & social development. This all tied, later, to how they respond to the losses endured over their short little lives and how they grieve & react when they enter our homes. I have to say this was a very worthwhile day of training for me personally. I'm not only more aware of different ways in which a child might react upon entering my home, but why they might act that way, and what I might be able to do to help them.

PRIDE

Well, I did it. Somehow, I survived my first day of Foster Care training! Surviving the training itself wasn’t the real accomplishment, but surviving being upright and conscious for any period of time was. You see, I was sick since last Tuesday. Tuesday wasn’t so bad, but Wed and Thur  I was in bed with a fever of up to 101. (The doctor said I had Bronchitis, but I disagree. Well, I think I have Bronchitis AND something else. I have had Bronchitis many times and never have had a fever or the other lovely symptoms I have had this time around.) And, as often as I am sick, I never have a fever. So, there is definitely something else going on here. To say the least, I was miserable. Thursday night my fever finally broke so, already having been on antibiotics for a couple of days, I made an effort to go to work on Friday. I only lasted ½ hour before returning home to my bed. And there I stayed until Saturday morning.

Class would be from 9:30-4:30 and this particular day of classes can’t easily be made up. The other sessions can, but they are particular about Sessions 1 & 2. So, off I went with my ‘sick bag’ packed with everything I thought I needed…meds, tissues, water, cough drops, etc etc. I arrived early enough to choose the spot closest to the door for a quick escape, which thankfully I only had to use once. But, we made sure that no one sat right next to me. I shouldn’t have been contagious, but I sounded and looked horrible. Luckily, I only had to introduce myself when the class began, and help present a couple of lines from a group discussion at the close of the day.

So, the class…the real point of this post. The training is called PRIDE (Parent's Resource for Information, Development, & Education) and consists of 27 hours of training, broken up into 9 different sessions. As you know, I have chosen the Saturday schedule of classes. This means that I will do two sessions each Saturday for four weeks, and then one session on the fifth week. The Saturday classes are being held at a church, as opposed to the agency facility for the weeknight classes. This, I guess, was kind of nice. I mean, I’ve been in a church millions of times so I think it came off as a little less intimidating to me personally. On Saturday, there were 21 other people in my class. Four of us were single women, the rest were couples. Being as sick as I was, I didn’t really have the opportunity to mix and mingle with the others in the class. I kept my distance and during lunch, I slept in my car. I’m hoping that this next week I will be able to talk a bit more with others.

Sessions 1 and 2 were basic foundation for the course. We discussed the large team involved in foster care and what it means to be a part of that team. We talked about why children come into care, the primary competencies we need to have as foster parents, and the goal of that child’s time with us. We watched a video and then a couple of video clips and discussed the key themes from our lessons which were displayed. Much more was discussed, but I'm going to have to reference my notes to remember everything. Not a problem though. I have homework to do! So, returning to my notes and class book will happen very, very soon.

I'm still sick (though doing better) so I apologize that this post is a bit all over the place. Hopefully next week I will be able to give you a clearer picture of class, what I'm learning, and how I am feeling about it all.